Former Vice President Dick Cheney Shocked To Discover He Still Has A Heart
On February 22nd, 2010 former vice president Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington Hospital in Washington, DC with chest pains. "At first I thought it was just my acid reflux acting up," the 69-year-old remarked when questioned. "Imagine my surprise when the doctor told me the pain was coming from a heart condition! I was certain that all traces of my heart had been eradicated during the course of my service in the Bush administration!"
"At first he didn't believe me," Dr. Jonathan Hayward, Cheney's attending physician, said in an interview. "I believe his exact words were, 'I don't have a heart, you liberal quack!' We had to give him an MRI before he would believe us and submit to treatment. It took us a while to find it, but it is definitely there."
Technicians at George Washington Hospital said it took them over three hours to locate Cheney's heart. "We had to rescan him a couple of times," Tim O'Leary, one of the technicians, explained. "I thought the vice president was right, that he didn't have a heart, but we were able to locate it on the third try."
Despite the good news that they were able to locate Cheney's heart, there was growing concern over its size. "Yeah, we're a little worried about him," Dr. Hayward confided. "His heart is about three times smaller than that of a newborn chipmunk, which is way smaller than a human heart should be. We're prescribing a very specific regimen and hope to have the vice president healthy in a few months."
One of the nurses, who asked not to be identified, said that Mr. Cheney is being put on what she called "The Grinch System." "We're putting him on a strict routine of giving presents to orphan children and singing Christmas songs to the elderly in local retirement communities," the source revealed. "With some perseverance and a little luck, we're hoping Mr. Cheney's heart will grow at least three sizes."
The Grinch could not be reached for comment, though he did issue a statement vouching for the success of The Grinch System and wishing Mr. Cheney a speedy recovery.