I Push Buttons

Whether I'm coding, writing, playing games, or pissing people off, it all boils down to pushing buttons.

February 22, 2010

Former Vice President Dick Cheney Shocked To Discover He Still Has A Heart

WASHINGTON, DC

On February 22nd, 2010 former vice president Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington Hospital in Washington, DC with chest pains. "At first I thought it was just my acid reflux acting up," the 69-year-old remarked when questioned. "Imagine my surprise when the doctor told me the pain was coming from a heart condition! I was certain that all traces of my heart had been eradicated during the course of my service in the Bush administration!"

"At first he didn't believe me," Dr. Jonathan Hayward, Cheney's attending physician, said in an interview. "I believe his exact words were, 'I don't have a heart, you liberal quack!' We had to give him an MRI before he would believe us and submit to treatment. It took us a while to find it, but it is definitely there."

Technicians at George Washington Hospital said it took them over three hours to locate Cheney's heart. "We had to rescan him a couple of times," Tim O'Leary, one of the technicians, explained. "I thought the vice president was right, that he didn't have a heart, but we were able to locate it on the third try."

Despite the good news that they were able to locate Cheney's heart, there was growing concern over its size. "Yeah, we're a little worried about him," Dr. Hayward confided. "His heart is about three times smaller than that of a newborn chipmunk, which is way smaller than a human heart should be. We're prescribing a very specific regimen and hope to have the vice president healthy in a few months."

One of the nurses, who asked not to be identified, said that Mr. Cheney is being put on what she called "The Grinch System." "We're putting him on a strict routine of giving presents to orphan children and singing Christmas songs to the elderly in local retirement communities," the source revealed. "With some perseverance and a little luck, we're hoping Mr. Cheney's heart will grow at least three sizes."

The Grinch could not be reached for comment, though he did issue a statement vouching for the success of The Grinch System and wishing Mr. Cheney a speedy recovery.

February 06, 2010

This Basically Sums Up My Feelings On The Matter


You can make your own custom abusive Batman comic here. It's getting hammered pretty hard at the time of this writing, so you may have to check back later.

February 05, 2010

Being Humorous Can Get You Free Stuff

I was funny on Twitter, and I won this. The conversation went as follows:

Think Geek: Geek O'Clock!! In honor of #snowpocalypse, reply by 4:30pm EST to win a cozy Tauntaun! Or double-enter via Facebook: http://j.mp/bE7IOV

Me: @thinkgeek I would like to win a Tauntaun! Unless I have to sleep in its entrails. Then I don't. #snowpocalypse

TG: @kaellinn18 Congratumalations! And yes, you have to sleep in the entrails. They smell nice.

Me: @thinkgeek Fine, I will sleep in the entrails. But if my wife leaves me, we will have words. WORDS, do you understand?

TG: @kaellinn18 *waves hand* Your wife will understand. She will not mind if you sleep in the Tauntaun.

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I enjoyed the Jedi mind trick at the end. Okay, geek time is over. *Waves hand* Nothing to see here. Move along.