I Push Buttons

Whether I'm coding, writing, playing games, or pissing people off, it all boils down to pushing buttons.

July 02, 2010

Spiders

Spiders are persistent little fellows. At least once a week, either Courtney or myself will walk into the bathroom, and a spider will be perched in the exact same corner that we always find them in, behind the shower head. If I find it, extermination takes place quickly and silently. If Courtney finds it, extermination takes place quickly but with significantly more noise as she yells for me to come kill it.

The cats are completely useless. I'm pretty sure that they are extorting protection payments from the spiders in exchange for not destroying them. Oh sure, they'll make a show of batting a spider around and roughing it up if we place them right in front of one, but I've never seen them actually kill one. Yes, there's definitely some kind of racketeering going on in our home. I may have to bug (HA!) the place.

Aside from the obvious protection from local wildlife, part of me wonders why the spiders keep coming back. It's just so futile. They know they're going to die, right?

Or do they? Maybe there is a more sinister force at work here: real estate. There's probably some spider real estate agent making a fortune off of repeatedly selling our bathroom to buyers ignorant of the current state of the market. I imagine it goes something like this:

SCENE

SETTING: R. ACK NID REAL ESTATE, INC. MR. NID SITS BEHIND HIS DESK CHEWING AN UNLIT CIGAR. A BLUETOOTH HEADSET RESTS ON HIS HEAD, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SPIDERS CANNOT HEAR. AUDIENCE SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GET THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS SPIDER IS A TOTAL DOUCHE. ENTER CREE P. CRAWLY, STAGE LEFT.

MR. CRAWLY: Hello.

MR. NID, CURTLY THROUGH HIS CIGAR: Yeah, what do you want?

MR. CRAWLY: I... I'm looking to buy my first place. I was hoping you'd be able to help me.

MR. NID IMMEDIATELY WARMS, STANDS UP AND REMOVES HIS CIGAR. HE SHAKES MR. CRAWLY'S LEGS IN AN OVERENTHUSIASTIC GREETING.

MR. NID: Oh, you're looking to BUY! Well, you've come to the right place! Yes, sir!

MR. CRAWLY SMILES SHEEPISHLY.

MR. CRAWLY: Oh, I'm so glad.

MR. NID: I have just the place for a fine lad such as yourself. It's perfect! Nice, warm climate. Great view. The local wildlife is exotic, but completely harmless, provided you make your payments on time.

MR. CRAWLY: What?

MR. NID: Hmm? Oh, nothing. I was thinking of something else. Here, let me show you some pictures.

MR. NID ROTATES HIS MONITOR AND BRINGS UP PHOTOS OF THE LOCATION ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB (HA!). THE TWO LOOK AT THE PHOTOS FOR A FEW MINUTES, AND MR. CRAWLY BEGINS TO GROW CONCERNED.

MR. CRAWLY: Isn't... Isn't this the Silverthorn place?

MR. NID, MAKING A SHOW OF CHECKING THE DETAILS: Why, yes, I suppose it is.

MR. CRAWLY: Didn't you sell this place last week?

MR. NID: ...No, I don't believe so.

MR. CRAWLY: I'm sure of it. You sold it to my friend, Tony. He's the one that recommended me to you.

MR. NID: Oh, yes. Tony! I remember now. No, he ended up... uh... backing out at the last minute. He went with a different place in the city.

MR. CRAWLY: Oh, I see...

MR. NID: So, do we have a deal?

MR. CRAWLY SIGNS THE PAPERS.

END SCENE

I think my problem is that I never leave any evidence behind that these spiders ever existed. When a new spider moves in, the place looks brand new, and they have no reason to want to leave. What I need is a deterrent.

I think I'm going to start leaving their bodies in strategic places as a warning. When the spiders come in, they will totally freak out at the sight of their fallen comrades an run away. They will tell all the other spiders. My home will become known amongst the arachnids as "The Land of a Thousand Corpses" and will grow in legend. Boy spiders will take girl spiders to the edge of this dangerous land to scare and impress them. I few boy spiders will be reckless enough to actually come inside, where they will be met with a swift death.

"No," the spider will cry with his dying breath. "I was going to get laid tonight!"

I will look down upon him with empty eyes. "She was just going to use you for your sperm and then kill and eat you. I just saved you from a horrible fate."

"I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying, man. I was going to get LAID!"

*FLUSH*

2 Comments:

At July 9, 2010 at 11:24 AM , Blogger BrainMc said...

Nice one you nutball.

 
At July 9, 2010 at 12:32 PM , Blogger Matt Silverthorn said...

Haha, thanks, Brian. I hope all is well!

 

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