Way To Go, George!
I'm writing this today to commend our president, Mr. George W. Bush. He has accomplished what no other person in the history of this country has. In fact, it will probably be a landmark achievement for many years to come. I will be pretty impressed if someone is able to surpass this feat at some point in the future.
I think we can all agree that the Bush Administration has been an utter disaster. At least, that's what he wanted you to think. Oh, Mr. President, only now do I see the true brilliance of your plan. Soon, people across the land will notice, and they will stand dumbfounded at your foresight, unable to do anything except slowly applaud in awe.
You see, dear readers, the entire Bush presidency has been nothing but a concealed, highly sophisticated scheme to get the American people to vote, and this program has succeeded beyond anyone in the administration's wildest dreams... except Mr. Bush. You see, he saw this coming all along. Cheney didn't think Bush could pull it off, but he did. People are registering to vote in record numbers. The sheer amount of young people now interested in politics and dedicated to voting on November 4th is like nothing this nation has ever seen. There are people in some states waiting in line for hours to vote early. I'm going to say that again in its own paragraph because that's just unbelievable.
There are people in some states waiting in line for hours to vote early.
Holy freaking crap, Mr. President. My hat is off to you. You, sir, have performed what was once deemed impossible. Not only have you managed to get inebriated college students to care about our elections, but you have done it so thoroughly that they are actually showing up early. Just in case you didn't know, sir, getting a college student to show up early for anything except a kegger is quite noteworthy, and you should be commended.
I invite all of you to join me in congratulating our president on a job well done. It was eight years in the making, but the fruits of his labor will be felt throughout this nation every four years for a long time to come as we all join together in one voice and say: "never again."