I Push Buttons

Whether I'm coding, writing, playing games, or pissing people off, it all boils down to pushing buttons.

August 16, 2008

Keep The Olympics Robot-Free!

I come before you today regarding a very serious issue that is vital to the safety of not only our nation, but to humanity as a whole. For those of you who have been paying attention, you already know what I am referring to; for others, this may come as quite a shock. I will try to break the news as gently as possible. I may get in trouble for outing my country in the middle of the contest, but I can no longer, in good conscience, sit by and let this continue unabated.

Ok, here goes. No turning back now.

For the past few weeks, the United States has been using an automaton, or robot, in competition in the Olympic Games in Beijing. I have provided a picture of the robot below.

The most disturbing aspect of this international fiasco is how blatantly obvious the United States has been in the use of this android. They haven't tried to be remotely inconspicuous, brandishing their superior technology in the world's face and having it shatter world record after world record and earn gold medal after gold medal for the homeland. The worst part is that this wasn't enough for the United States. They had to take it one step further and insult the other competitors directly, specifically the Serbian swimmer Milorad Cavic, by having their robot beat Cavic by precisely .01 seconds. Now, I love my country, but this sort of behavior is just inexcusable. It brings us no honor when we resort to using machines to win athletic events.

I can understand that to the untrained eye he looks like a regular person, but that's the whole idea. He was designed to pass as a normal competitor. However, their brazen use of this robot has made his physical appearance a moot point. They might as well remove the external biological casing and just have him compete in his raw titanium form.

But I digress.

The main point I want you to take away from this is not that the United States is cheating in the Olymics with a robot, but that this robot even exists. It is plain to see that the United States government has learned nothing from our nation's brightest scientific minds when they tried to warn us about artificial intelligence in documentaries such as The Terminator and I, Robot. Creating robots like this one can only lead to millions of deaths, the enslavement of mankind, and blockbuster ticket sales. I implore you all to contact your congressmen and senators and make your voice heard: Keep the Olympics (and our nation) robot-free! Do it for our children and our children's children.

This has been a public service announcement.

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